Day 11 is today – January 30th. It is a Friday.
I have called in sick again from work. I slept in until 10, and then immediately took the dramamine and fish oil with some toast.
Guess what? Today has been better. I still feel light headed and a bit dizzy, but at least I can walk around. I have a bit more energy, although I feel pretty weak. My brain zaps are almost gone. You read that right, almost gone.
Is it the fish oil and dramamine? I am not sure but I am happy to be feeling better, that is for sure. I even did a load of laundry. Yes, I got off the couch and put a load in the wash. This is monumental. I am washing out my puke bucket because it won’t be needed today.
The only thing is the dramamine -I think- is making me tired. But I’d rather be a bit sleepy than dizzy and nauseated. So far, so good. I can even read my book again. And work texted me and I responded with a perfectly intelligent response. Amazing.
So. Day 12 is tomorrow, a Saturday. I will update this. I hope it will be another good day. I have not decided what I will do if I cannot go back to work on Monday. That is the only thing that scares me.
P.S. According to my fertility tests I was most fertile this week. I’m sad that we couldn’t try to have a baby because I was so ill. But I know it will happen as soon as I can conquer this.
P.S.S. Coffee bad. I tried drinking in the beginning but it seemed to make things worse. An afternoon cup of tea though, has helped.
Day 10 is a Thursday.
I call in sick… it’s the only thing I can think of. Maybe if I just rest it will go away.
This is by far the worst day. I cannot move and carry a vomit bowl with me if I need to get something. I cannot watch t.v. and I cannot even read my book anymore. I try to watch birds at the bird feeder outside but they fly around too much. I lie on the couch reading blogs about Lexapro withdrawal, hoping to find an answer. I read in spurts as I get sick from scrolling.
I look at the symptoms at the withdrawal and I tick off every. single. box.
Vertigo (well, definitely!)
Nausea (totally. have lost 6.5 pounds in less than a week)
Insomnia (I am sleeping differently – less sound, more fretful but at least I am sleeping somewhat)
Brain Zaps (yup. they come and go. I wish they would go. It’s like everything in my brain was turned up to high volume all of a sudden)
Flu-like symptoms and sweatiness (yes. yes. yes. I’ve got heat waves and sweatiness and then I am freezing and my fingers are purple)
Muscle spasms – not so much but my joints are on fire.
Light headedness – that’s a big yes.
The blogs I read mention crying for no reason. I think we can all consider crying because you are crying a very stupid reason indeed.
But then I find little answers here and there.
Fish oil – helps with brain zaps
Dramamine – helps with vertigo, nausea, and light headedness
Benadryl – helps with sleep and nausea
I ask my husband to pick them up and I take them at 6 p.m. when he gets home. By 8 I notice a change. The brain zaps are less strong and I am not so dizzy. I actually do feel better. Placebo? Maybe, but I’ll take it.
Day 9 is a Wednesday.
Well. That did not go as expected.
I am fine, back at work and happily toiling away when at 2:30p.m. I suddenly am dizzy. The world begins to move again and I am not moving with it.
I begin to cry uncontrollably. “Crap,” I think to myself. No one wants to cry at work – especially uncontrollably.
I blame it on the vertigo, the vertigo has done it. Sorry for the tears, I think it’s the vertigo.
I run to the bathroom and hold back the vomit. Wave after wave of nausea sweeps over me and I literally cannot will myself to stop crying. At this point, I’m actually crying BECAUSE I am crying.
At 3:45 in a meeting I sit down in front of all of my colleagues and cry. I run out of the room. I blame it again on the vertigo. My boss has a colleague follow me home because they are all worried, bless them.
I make it home OK and then cry until I go to sleep. What am I going to do?
Day 8 is a Tuesday.
It has snowed again! I can now make sure that I am truly well before going back to work. Maybe it’s because I was told there was only a 3 day waiting period before the symptoms would end, but I feel really good today. I have more energy and I am not so dizzy.
Tomorrow I will return to work and everything will be fine.
Day 7 is a Monday.
Today is the day! I’ve read that 3 days is all you need to conquer the withdrawal symptoms so I’m going to get through Monday and will be my own self again.
Mercifully, it snows. I am able to work from home. I can focus on the laptop OK enough. I have meetings, and realize that the dizziness is also affecting how I process my speech. I talk excitedly, nervously. I am not the poised intellectual being that I attempt to be in work meetings. I resolve not to talk very much and tell everyone at work I have vertigo.
Why in the world do I have to lie and tell them I have Vertigo? Well I guess it’s not completely untrue, as I do have it. But I can’t tell them what it’s really called as I work in a conservative corporate environment with dinosaurs who would think I am oversharing and would treat me the rest of my life as an eggshell waiting to crack. No. I will not share the truth that I am withdrawing from antidepressants because I do not want them to see me as weak. And they will. I can’t change their perception. I cannot change the stigma. But I will battle on.
And battle on I do.
Day 6 is a Sunday.
I feel a little bit better. I think that this must after all be it. I should be almost 100% by tomorrow!
I am still dizzy and I want to vomit if I move the slightest inch. My eyes seem against me. If I look at anything except the book which I am clinging to desperately, then I feel the urge to vomit. The world is upside down.
I slept the night before thanks to two Nyquil tablets.
But tomorrow, the world will be right again. The Internet promised me.
Day 5 is a Saturday.
I give blood and then come home. I feel dizzy, but I think it’s because I’ve just given blood.
The rest of the day I feel it all… nausea, dizziness, brain zaps. I know the symptoms well enough by now. It’s the withdrawal kicking in.
I am completely unable to move and am utterly useless. The minute I look at something, the world moves and I feel as though I am going to vomit. I sit in a chair and read a book. Reading a book is the only thing that seems to help. The t.v. moves too much, the sound is too harsh, and even if I look outside I get woozy.
So I just read. I read all day as it is the only thing that does not make me vomit. I read somewhere that 3 days is all it takes. That means by Monday, I will be better. I keep going.
I keep going.